I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
