you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
