i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
