Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
