hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
