So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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