Swine flu. Run for my life!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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