I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
