I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize