why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she smelled like a LAN party
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
