can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize