So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
