Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
