I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
