True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
