I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
