Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
