woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
