I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
