u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
