I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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