Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
