yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
