youre lurking in front of me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just googled if crying burns calories
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize