(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
