I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize