i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
