I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
