did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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