Just took my morning after pill in the library
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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