i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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