I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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