we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize