i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
