dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
