I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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