WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
