At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
