I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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