Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
