Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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