I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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