he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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