Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
