The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
