I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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