dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
