I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
