she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
