Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
