I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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