You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I party with great urgency now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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