I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
