god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
