i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
