after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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