I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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