she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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