it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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